i'm toggling between my journal at home and writing here online - it's hard to be the pregnant lady talking about being pregnant all the time.
today has been a hard day - just feeling the weight of being pregnant. not just the physical, but the "habitual" i guess- having to eat, drink, sleep, exercise, take vitamins, plan, stretch, relax- all in a particular pro-bean kind of way. they're all very good things, but it gets monotonous, especially as it gets more uncomfortable.
fred was the not so proud recipient of one of my most potent pregnancy rants today. i lucked out when i met him, such a great communicator, sometimes much to my dismay. he has an uncanny ability on occasion to reiterate what i've just said and make me realize how ridiculous or insignificant it may sound. i think that's a good attribute in a spouse. it's all about perspective.
this week in our birth class we talked about the emotional stages of labor. yikes. i wonder how it would feel to ride a rollercoaster if you spent about 10 months beforehand thinking about how scary it was going to be. no doubt about it - even suspending disbelief to the nth degree, it's hard to discount what physically happens during labor and not anticipate, even with the best breathing & relaxation exercises, that it will be full of "oooooooooooooooooow".
we've seen tons of birth videos so far. the assessment one would make initially upon seeing such videos is that bad flute music will accompany the birth no matter what. ew. also- there's not a whole lot of screen time devoted to women being in between contractions, so the whole effect is sort of part horror-movie, part new-age manual. double ew. i have to trust that we'll be laboring at home for much of it, to a more palatable soundtrack, and the midwives reassure that there is actually time between contractions, that it's not just one long painful stretch.
no matter what, as i approach these next two months at the beginning of my period of discomfort, i have to trust nature's process. somehow i've just got to believe that over the next 9 weeks, the fear of giving birth will be superceded by a primal urge to be able to bend down without squatting, to tie my shoes, to sleep normally. and oh yes, as fred so eloquently mentioned, to actually see our baby.
next week's birth class - art stuff! stay tuned...
just a quick one today as i'm about to head out home for a home-cooked meal, made possible by my favorite chef, mssssss. audrey roofeh. no doubt on tomorrow's page there will be photos of the dinner in question.
today is also the 50th birthday of nona-extraordinaire, ms. sandy ward, aka the mother of the divine mr. fred (aka poppabean). most of my friends would say that i've got the coolest mother-in-law around. i think that pretty much speaks volumes. we'll be documenting sandy's trip out here next week. it's so lovely to have such enthusiastic and loving houseguests in our present and immediate future. i know that my relationship with everyone will be changing soon enough and it's nice to have this time as a buffer between what was and what will be.
but enough pensive moments... it is a banner week for at least the reasons mentioned above. i'm a little tired at the moment but hoping my energy picks up with the aforementioned home-cooked meal and a not-so-surprise visit from none other than "coleman!" - our favorite neighborhood buddy. good vibes abound.
well, so very much has passed since i last wrote. 2 birth classes which have come and gone with little fanfare. well it's 2 of, i believe... 10? so we're a fifth of the way through, oh lord. the classes take place literally across the street from Ghiradelli Square, adding yet another very San Francisco element to our story. it's not a neighborhood either of us has spent a whole lot of time in so it definately has the sense of 'other' as far as preparing us for the next few months. however, it's a tiny start at being in a place that is at once foreign and known so i guess it's perfect.
the classes are very mellow- about 7 couples sitting on the floor of this chiropractic office after hours, snacking and chatting about various thoughts feelings concerns and practical matters about the birth experience. all of the couples are very sweet and it's heartening hearing our peers talk about similar reactions, or even better yet - things we haven't yet begun to consider. there are three facilitators of these classes - the main one being Judy who is the head of the Birth Center, who will definately be attending our birth, along with our primary midwife, Abigail. also there are two other women, Judy's daughter Melissa and a woman named Mica, both of whom are young but have several children a piece and provide a nice balance to Judy's vibe.
so far we've talked about some of the more mundane but practical things - nutrition, exercise, stress management and relaxation (a fundamental part of all the classes), and this week we roamed off-topic to discuss our fears or anxieties (particularly the dads in the room) about how much time we'll be taking off of work and thinking about childcare options for when we have to go back to work.
now, call me crazy, but for some reason, i haven't thought much about exactly what happens *after* the birth. i'm sure i'm not alone in this regard, but it seems like i'm on the upside of a rollercoaster only this has had the most gradual and long-term incline and i've got this misconception that i'm going to hit the top and see a very quick but very short way down. it's not really settling in that there's going to be anything to *do* or to *prepare for* after the birth.
okay, so i'm nuts. or i'm in denial. my happy place. guess that's natural, and maybe it's the reason why, as my dear friend debbie pointed out to me today, i'm the apple to her other pregnant friend's orange. that orange, as debbie told me today, is due two weeks before me but already has a garage full of toys that her unborn child will not be playing with for at least 5 years, in addition to every possible baby accoutrement, clothing option and superfluous baby-related item available on the internet or otherwise.
so far, we've got a digital camera and a baby jogger (thanks to mom), a pair of socks, a pair of shoes, one rubber duck towel and bib, a winnie-the-pooh plush toy and my old receiving blanket. seems to me if we cap it off with a diaper service, we're *almost* ready for the birth.
admittedly, i'm looking forward to the next few months where i feel like i can actually give myself license to anticipate this baby and to really start to get in the headspace to prepare for it. i'll try to explain my hesitation maybe in the next entry, but for now, i'll chalk it up to pure old-fashioned superstition. clearly that's got to have a place somewhere in the whole 'motherhood' thing, superstition?
today is august 6th - my dad's birthday. it is bittersweet of course, because he's not here to shower attention on, to give the requisite awkward gifts
[awkward only because we always resort to the most stereotypical items... naval books, german books, wine, wine-related items], to watch him open them and
give the most wonderfully delighted response to whatever the year's offerings are, and to sit and clink a glass with him over some lucscious mendecino red
which is so hearty it could hold up a spoon, not unlike the coffee i would have undoubtedly made for him afterwards.
sigh.
well, as a birthday present for dad, i'm going to recount several of my major memories of dad-hood from my childhood in the hopes of putting across exactly how much i'm thinking about him on this day, and how much i think about what a great dad he's been, in his own way, over the years.
the sandwiches. oh, some crazy kid's book or commercial or tv show put the idea in my head about making the largest sandwich i could invent, and i set out to do it. i think the first few must have been relatively small, only 3 layers or so, but certainly combined the best of what we had in the fridge, sandwich-material-wise. no doubt, dad encouraged me merely by consuming them (or at least, appearing to do so) while standing in our kitchen in rhode island, absent-mindedly watching football on the tiny screen television.
however long that period of obscene sandwich making lasted, dad happily and enthusiastically received all of my multi-level culinary offerings and so with each successive one, i scrambled for more and more bizarre toppings. i remember one particular sandwich that was so tall it just wouldnt stand up by itself. i'm not sure how he ate it, but i think despite having done so, he convinced me that i should probably put my creativity to better usage, or at least stop using a half-loaf of bread for each sandwich. to this day, there is only one item of food i created which dad refusing to finish, and that was a weight watchers dessert of some sort. needless to say, if such a non-finnicky eater can't go for that, i'd say it says alot about whether weight watchers food is worth eating. it also speaks volumes about how my dad could influence his daughter with his simple, quiet encouragement.
bug juice. to this day, whenever i wake up in the wee hours of the morning, in the stillness of pre-dawn with that chilly dew feeling in the air, i get a hint of excitement from the times that dad took me to work with him on the uss fulton in groton connecticut. he'd come quietly into my room early enough that it was dark - what was it? 5am? 4:30 am? i was tired but it was so exciting to be going to work with dad, i'd quickly wake up. to walk around the ship with him and have all the guys look at him and salute and get to sit in his office, looking at all this weird navy stuff. the best part of course was going to the cafeteria and drinking the "bug juice" - undoubtedly some koolaid or something, but i felt like 'one of the guys'. people were always nice to me because my dad was an important guy - that i knew. to this day, kool-aid certainly doesn't hold any mystique, but i always associate being up early in the morning with hanging out with my dad, just the two of us.
first date. okay, this isn't my memory, but chris's - still i've gotta rib dad for his advice to chris on his first date at the drive in. keep your gun in your holster! gotcha dad!
saying goodbye. well, this is such a recent memory - but a good one. sometimes my dad is such a positive guy, it's hard to tell if he's putting on a good face for the sake of not bumming anyone out, or if he's just really that self-sufficient. saying goodbye to him just weeks ago after such a wonderful visit with him - i knew it wasn't just the copious amounts of really good wine that made it so hard for him to say goodbye. i had to think about it afterwards, because he *is* so self-sufficient - especially in this time in his life - how hard it must have been for him, knowing how much was going to happen before his next visit in december and how torn he must have been between knowing that his stint in saudi arabia is a good thing which he really enjoy, and that it coincides with an experience that he so much would like to share with all of us, especially with mom. so it was very hard to say goodbye that time, as it is hard to sit here and think about it - but what makes it all so very... dealable, is that same enthusiastic 'thanks for the quadruple-decker mayo/pickles/ham/cheese/more cheese/mustard/tomato/bacon/steak-um/cucumber sandwich' attitude that defines my dad.
i hope as a parent, i can incorporate some of that for my little bean - though i know in some way, what i'm talking about involved the secret and mystery surrounding "the dad" - and i guess i'll have to be satisfied watching my fred go through that, or at least, watch the secret and myster surrounding "the grandad" as it unfolds...
happy birthday, big cheese
i had a super-relaxing weekend. hanging out with some girlfriends was the most 'planning' there was. spent way too much money on
the most beautiful deep red velvet for curtains for the front room, in the event that we move our bedroom to the front.
of course, i got lazy and didn't hem them yet, and also was stymied by my inherent libra-ness to spend the better part of the day turning the same piece of fabric this way and that way, afraid to commit to actually cutting it. i fear for our child and the decisions that it will have to wait an eternity for me to make for it...
all in all, i finished the 2nd half of the 4th harry potter book and am now debating about starting a new book entirely or just staring at
fred impatiently for the next week or so while he sorts through the 5th book. we're geeks. it's cool.
august 18th
august 14th
august 6th dad's last BIG DAY before the bean (and grandpahood)!
me ke aloha,
karen
august 4th