read august 2003
october 30th
thought i'd just put another little note up to say... well, tomorrow's the day but so far, nothings happening. just going along, being a little bit more productive. today i'm going over to do some cooking with the remaining 2 pregnant women from our birth class, which should be nice. we're trying to stock our freezers in advance, though i think it's possible we may just sit around eating cookies...
last night fred and i had a great impromptu night by going over to mill valley. we ended up seeing "lost in translation" - the umpteenth movie we've seen in the past few weeks, and certainly one of the best. there was a line about "the day your first child is born, the person you used to be ceases to exist *forever*" - certainly thought-provoking, but it was followed up with the line to the effect that "your children become the most delightful people you'll ever meet" - very sweet. all in all, it was a nice evening, a nice change of pace. the weather has dipped into fall overnight, and it was all we could do to dodge the leaves and branches as the wind whipped them around in the quaint little streets near the theater. there is a feeling of change in the air.
maybe that's what the little bean is waiting for. in celebration, i got my hair dyed a sort of candy-apple red which gives it an overall dark red look with some bright highlights where my blond was. i wanted to bleach my hair again, but prudence won out and i opted for a less toxic way to cover the sort of 'calico-head' look i've had of late. which, frankly, had so much grey in it now, it was definately making me feel like an old, stuffed, pregnant lady. not exactly the vibe i want for myself going into birth. in choosing my adjectives, i can keep stuffed and pregnant, but maybe i can add "eccentric"- it's a subtle change but i think it works for me.
tomorrow's update - halloween costumes and plans, hopefully some new photos.
okay, here we are on our "due date week" - although it seems from our initial calculations, our EDD is this friday, our midwives are calculating it at November 3rd. that would put our last day to give birth at the birth center at November 17th, which seems like an eternity, i won't lie to you.
so now, as i sit here wanting to write about how i feel at this moment, i'm a little self-conscious because i've read so many other online pregnancy journals that have documented the same time period and it's all been pretty typical... i think it goes like this...
"well, the week has arrived and i'm hoping it happens any day now... we're getting fidgety and a little bit uncomfortable... a good night's sleep is coming about once every three days and our to do list has gotten somewhat manageable so i can't really bring myself to make the push to finish it. i'm waiting for that "nesting" instinct to kick in as the first real sign that labor is coming but so far, i'm just feeling lazy so i'm guessing it might be awhile!"
cut to next entry...
"oct 31st... our due date and yet still nothing... hmmm... getting to be a little bit cranky. i cant imagine this will go on much longer though, hopefully the next day or two something will happen..."
"november 3rd... technically our "due date" according to the midwives. every keeps calling and i feel like we're holding onto some big secret or something, but we're just trucking along, per usual. guess that's pretty normal"
"november 7th... okay, one week past our first due date and i'm not so secretly thinking of sprinkling castor oil over my salad..."
"november 9th... um, would it be wrong to just lie and tell people i'm in labor to sort of jump-start the process? might that convince my body that 'it's time' ? "
"november 17th... damn... since we've had to wait this long, can't we just go 5 more days and have a sagittarius?? just kidding... okay, kill me now because i'm DONE"
so, part of me is imagining that that is *exactly* how it's going to go, and part of me is wondering every time i get a little twinge of cramp or practice contraction...
i find it fascinating that there are so many other similarities between the beginning of pregnancy and the end - the anxiousness, the waiting, the uncertainty, the question marks. there are even the physical simlilarities- in the beginning, you're hoping your period never starts, in the end, you're looking for signs that labor is beginning (otherwise known as the mucus plug, or the "bloody show") - regardless, it means spending both the start and the end of pregnancy examining your underwear every single time you go to the bathroom. which at this point, makes for a near hourly experience of "is it now? (no) how about now?? (nope) anything yet?? (nah uh) i'm not being anxious but is that a little pink? (give it up already!)
pretty funny stuff.
at the beginning of the pregnancy, you dont have people calling all the time wondering how you're doing, until of course, you spill the beans that either you're trying to get pregnant, or you are already. i've been on the other side of this situation several times before with other friends and acquaintences, wondering several times a day if today will be the day i get the call that so and so is in labor, or that the baby was born, or if they're not answering the phone because they're in labor. it's still very weird to be the one who's just sitting over here pondering what is more productive - tackling my to-do list, or taking a nap - and knowing that so many folks are imagining something completely different for my day.
as far as a "pending-mom's intuition" i'll go ahead and hazard a guess that we're not actually going to be in labor for at least a week, despite my desire to the contrary. i'm not trying to pull a reverse-psychology thing on myself, i just think that we've jumped the gun a little bit on our expectations because 3 of the 4 women in our birth class who've delivered already have been early. thats really unusual for first time moms - the average is 8 days late. that being said, our real due date would be either november 7th or 11th (happy b-day chris!) depending on who's estimate is more accurate - ours or the midwives.
all this number-crunching aside... we'll definately have the baby by november 18th. and sure that's three weeks away, but with fred by my side, i'm fairly sure i won't kill anybody even if we do go that long.
well, so much has happened in the past few weeks. needless to say, the bean has been turned into position and all systems are go for the birth and hopefully the birth center. what this means for me logisticallly is that i no longer am gliding with my previous "this aint so bad" swagger, but am now experiencing my round ligament playing catch up for not having the head nestled in the pelvis the past month or so. i have had to give up graceful for a more chalky sort of abrupt movement that occasionally passes for walking. and i'm totally thrilled, it is so cool to feel such a different feeling - one that connects me with how close i am to the birth. i mean, it really feels like that little head is just working it's way down - whew!
the last few weeks were getting a bit stressful, and of course there is no guarantee that our birth will be the low-impact, quick and easy experience that most of us would hope for at this point. however, it has been really cool to have gone through this process and to realize that despite all our intentions, we may very well end up at the hospital, we may very well not experience this as planned - and that we have to let go of our preconceptions. at the same time, we're not giving up our implicit faith in the process that things will go as they are supposed to - whatever fashion that may be. most importantly, at least we have knowledge of the many possibilities that await us, and hopefully, enough information to feel comfortable with whatever tough choices we may have to make.
so, on a lighter note... 3 ultrasounds in 3 weeks (the last of which had a perfect shot of the babe's little derrier... and do you think we found out the sex... hmmmmm....
today i am 35 years old. though this is much different than any other year i've had, this is my last birthday as just karen, not karen with baby, karen the tired crabby lady or the bean's mom.
there are so many things i can be thankful for, so many opportunities and experiences, so many people, thoughts, benefits and prospects that have come into place over the past year. i can only think that a year ago i wondered what i was thinking the year before, as well as what i would be doing and experiencing the next time my birthday came around. i know that this scenario was entirely within the realm of my hopes for my turning 35, but to actually be here is both gratifying and humbling. and what will i be thinking, feeling and expressing when i'm saying hello to 36. i have a glimpse now, and i feel oddly very small in this world, knowing somewhat what lies ahead.
and so i take fred's hand gladly, and more than anything, feel so very grateful for my place in this world right now. i am sleepy, awkward and anxious, and still -luck pours down on me each day and i feel its weight. there is lightness of the anticipation and hope. and there is the speed of time passing, and everything existing relative to that speed. it feels as it should on a birthday...
Thank
You, My Fate
Great humility fills me,
-Anna Swir
october 27th
october 14th
october 1st
great purity fills me,
I make love with my dear
as if I made love dying
as if I made love praying.
tears pour
over my arms and his arms.
I don't know whether this is joy
or sadness, I don't understand
what I feel, I'm crying,
I'm crying, it's humility
as if I were dead,
gratitude, I thank you, my fate,
I'm unworthy, how beautiful
my life.